I've Returned.

Back to blogging over here because:

- It's inconvenient to blog on Dayre nowadays because my ship doesn't allow me to bring camera phone: I switch between phones on a regular basis and thus most of the time I don't have the photos to post what I want to post.

- Also, posting on Dayre consumes quite a fair bit of data (especially when uploading of pictures and videos are involved) so I feel more inclined to blog only when I have wifi or if I really feel the urge to.

- And since I usually only feel like blogging when I am at home, I'd rather just use my laptop cause 1)I can type faster, and 2) the feeling of typing on an actual keyboard beats typing on a touchscreen...

- Though Dayre has a private option now, it's only exclusive to people who pay for their service and hence I do occasionally have reservations when it comes to posting something that is more sensitive for me. As much as I want to share my problems, Dayre is totally google-able (if you try searching my name/stuff on google you might be able to find my Dayre) which is not ideal for others if they just want to find out a little more about myself and instead BAM everything about me comes to them like a truck lol.

So I guess I'll be posting here from now on. Although, the reason why I abandoned here last year was because it was so inconvenient to upload pictures and videos... and nothing has changed so I might still use Dayre for that! If Dayre gave the ability to post from the computer I'd gladly just continue using it but I guess not everything/everyone can be pleased aye.

Anyway, it's been about 2-3 months since I last posted and I totally failed to keep my promise on posting more on Dayre because it's been just pretty much busy and also the reasons above ^ so I think this is long overdue. I'll just quickly summarise what's happened since then and maybe just give my thoughts on them!

So since the last post I've:
- Promoted to 3rd Sergeant (3SG) i.e. get more monthly allowance
- Ironically get demoted to the lowest lifeform onboard ship as ship only recognises seniority, not rank
- Used the increase in allowance as an excuse to impulsively buy myself an Xbox One (LOL)
- Took part in the annual Talento concert held by Edvox (my music school)
- Held 2(!) stayovers (a first having my friends stayover at my place)
- Reconnected with several DHS friends of the graduating 2015 batch over a Frisbee outing
- Reconnected with several DHS friends of the graduating 2014 batch over a Football outing
- Satisfied my karaoke cravings (although I still want to go again)
- Met up and maintained contact with most of my close friends

Doesn't seem like alot (because it isn't) but also because I can't remember off the top of my head at the moment so ohwell. I also haven't had much time in the civilian world because my Quarter Master (QM) duty occurs once every 3 days so it's a constant cycle of me sacrificing a Sunday one week and another Saturday the next before I get one proper weekend so of course I haven't been going out much since I got posted to ship. Time to change that though!

Anyway, I guess for those wondering what QM is, it's basically guard duty and sitting at the guard post of the ship, but there's additional stuff that the QM has to do:
- The QM mans the PA system of the ship, and thus is in charge of making announcements for the crew of the ship.
- Because it's hard to find people onboard the ship, what we do is that Person A calls the QM through one of the many telephones and ask the QM to make an announcement for Person B to call Person A back/go to the place where Person A is. Think of it as a telephone operator, but more outdated because we don't have the ability to transfer calls...
- Take note and record the movement of everyone who comes onboard the ship.
- Salute Officers when they come onboard/leave the ship.
- Ensure people do not park their vehicles in the 'No Parking' zone that is right in front of the ship
- Speak and respond to the walkie-talkies that is held by everyone doing duty that day.

ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And there are still other little things that the QM has to do such as clearing rubbish during free time and doing flag raising/lowering that I can't bother to cover... So it's basically a test of one's ability to multitask and remember the finest details.

Also, it's really tiring because our shifts are arranged in a way that everyone will definitely do a few hours in the middle of the night, so our sleep is divided and reduced into chunks. If there is work needed to be done, you can't go and rest either even if it's not your shift, meaning that you don't really get to properly sleep that day...

Yup, so that's how my life is at the moment! Not very interesting but I'm hoping that it'll get better over the next few months: there's uni apps that I have to do as well and I'm really hoping I can land something decent although my grades suggest otherwise haha.

That's all for now!

I've Moved!

Hi friends!

It's the new year, and that means it's time for me to move on! I've moved over to blogging on Dayre (I'll explain why over there), so go there if you wanna continue reading! I'll keep this blog open for stuff that are more private, but hopefully I won't need to come back here hahaha.

Let's go!

dayre.me/dunpwnmi

Recovery | I'm Not Going.

We now return to regular programming.

So I guess the most important thing I have to blog about today is as the title up there states: I've made up my mind to not go for prom. I don't really need to explain myself since it's my decision, but I should be answerable to those who'd liked me to go, so here goes:

I've been pondering over the question of whether to go or not for the past two weeks, and I have concluded over this period that going to prom will be less enjoyable than if I didn't go. If you all know what's going on (which I clearly believe most or all of you who are reading this do), then the main reason for me not going is that I'm simply not ready to face something that I've still (after these few months) haven't fully gotten to terms with, and by going to prom I will definitely end up coming out more disappointed than content.

I can't deny that I've already envisioned what I wanted prom to turn out when I first bought the ticket; neither can I deny that doing that isn't one of the best decisions as I've definitely ruined my own experience by upholding expectations; nor can I deny that not attending a certain event that may happen just once in my lifetime just because I've had a misperception of it without actually attending the actual event is going to be the smartest decision I'm going to take. However, the circumstances that I face is more than just whatever I've stated above.

I don't intend to bash prom or the people involved in it, so if any one of you do I apologise in advance. But in my opinion at the very least, I feel that prom (actually, make that any other activity as well) can only be made memorable with the people who are involved in it. I don't exactly fancy spending 90 bucks to sit at a table and have dinner that doesn't taste like it's worth 90 bucks, nor am I exactly interested to watch the show/stage events that the juniors have planned (sorry juniors), I want to go to prom to have a memorable time with my friends that matter. Unfortunately, given the timespan of only a mere 3-4 hours with even less time to take photos, plus the restriction of seating, it is certainly not possible to make quality time with a lot of people. Most of you will either be at your own tables, or there will certainly be a scramble to take photos and stuff just like graduation day. Others will have other classes and groups of friends to spend their time with as well, and basically the whole point really is that I won't be able to find enough people to make my night as enjoyable as I hope it'll be, because it would be awkward and difficult to interact with the people at my own table, which is ironic because they should be the closest group of friends that I have. I'm the only guy at my table, which means that all of my friends who are guys are spread all over the place, and it's just plain weird to go to another table and make small talk. To me, the whole concept of spending so much money just to dress up and sit at a table or go around taking pictures just doesn't cut out for me. As much as pictures serve as a reminder or a token of remembrance, what use would it do for the actual event itself? I don't find it memorable if I don't get to spend my time well, and unfortunately it's not going to happen simply because the first person that everybody wants to spend their time with in prom is definitely not going to be me. Sounds sad that I'm actually making a mockery of myself by saying so, but it is the truth: I don't think I'm THAT close to anyone who I've made friends over these past 2 years.

Anyway, it's also a bit too late for me to reverse my decision (I'm not going to do so anyway), since my suit (or actually just my concert attire) is actually still inside the SE room which is in school, and I don't actually have the keys to the room, so that's that I guess.

More importantly for myself, at least, is that I am giving myself a chance to recover and pick myself up from where I've fell. I really don't wish to be a spoilsport, but in order to move on I have to first forget, and I definitely won't forget if I do decide to go tomorrow. Recovery is essential because I can clearly feel the effects of my current state (I won't call it depression like I called it the last time, but there is still no sense of motivation to do anything really meaningful), and simply put I need to rediscover something that will make me willing to fight for. I don't look forward to much, not even the one week holiday to Japan and Taiwan that's coming in a week, so that's pretty bad. I've always been one who's more cheerful and excited, so to know and feel like a person that's somewhat dead inside is something I really don't want to continue remaining in.

Thankfully, for the past week and the upcoming weeks to come, I'm helping my cousin with his work, so that should occupy some of my time. I plan to learn driving as well, and I hope that I'll be able to drive before I enlist into the army. At the same time, I hope I will get to meet my friends for an outing (I haven't had the time to plan the KTV outing I said I would plan), especially the guys who will be enlisting into the army come early January. Other things I need to get to would be to exercise (but that can wait till when I return from my holiday), and maybe pick up one or two skills. If I do manage to recover I hope I'll be able to rediscover my hobby for cooking, and maybe I'll hopefully regain some confidence in myself as well as a person.

I'll make another post about work sometime soon, so I guess I'll stop here for now. I really hope that I'll get to meet a lot you guys personally, whether if it's for a meal or for an outing, so don't forget me even though I'm not going for prom! I'll also try my best to reschedule work if need be so don't hesitate to contact me if you guys wanna meet (sounding really shameless here...)

Till the next post, then.

1 년 後 / 내 잘못이죠

24th October 2014, Friday.

I remember alighting at Bedok with you that very day. I don't exactly remember why I did it when I could have just continued my journey towards Tanah Merah, but I did. I think we were travelling with Xuliang and Rachel that very day, and staying in the train would have been really awkward so I left (sorry guys).

Anyway, I remembered that you were pretty upset, to over which I will not mention, but you were visibly distraught over it. It was slightly awkward (and maybe inappropriate of me too) to ask how you were feeling, but you decided to open up and talk about it anyway. I remember us taking a pretty long walk around Bedok that day because you didn't feel like going home. On the same day, after I comforted you, I also ended up in problems of my own. I remember receiving the call about my grandmother ending up in ICU when we were buying gongcha for the long walk back, and you told me to remain calm. We tried taking a shortcut by walking through a series of HDB flats towards your house (and succeeded despite not actually knowing whether we were on the right path or where we were heading to), and it was such a weird feeling walking a classmate home when I didn't exactly know you at all at that point of time, but I still enjoyed that very long walk nevertheless. At that point of time, that walk allowed me to put my worries aside, and it was a good feeling being able to talk anything under the sun (moon, actually) as we wandered around. 

The next few days weren't any better for myself as my grandma never regained consciousness, but you decided to be there for me as well, despite your ongoing commitments to PW. I think I must have eaten up quite a lot of your precious time because all I can recall doing at the hospital was to text you and you did reply fairly quickly... 

It was the first time we were there for each other, and it allowed us both to open up quickly. I remember us clicking almost instantly, having similar interests (especially food) and the same sense of humor, and we got really close not long after. We both swore to be each other's best friend just days after that very day, and we even actually started going out together alone as friends (even though many people probably would have found it really weird back then). From eating at Astons in the Katong branch after school, to that morning jog from my house all the way to Expo, to the several times we've been to Changi Airport to just relax and chill for no apparent reason, we went out more and more frequently. And all just because we happened to be around for each other when we were in our own moments of sadness, would you believe that! I'd have liked to believe that our meeting was not by chance, but rather by fate.


17th October 2015, Saturday.
Alas, it isn't meant to be.

Close to a whole year now, and we find ourselves at the same place where we used to be at this time last year: Strangers. It's funny how so much, yet evidently so little has changed over this space of a year. The only major difference is probably that you've made me into one of your biggest mistakes/regrets of your life, and we can no longer ever speak to each other ever again. Not like that will mean anything to you though, since you've already decided to discard everything related to us.

It's perhaps time that I, too, should do likewise. I don't know what has been holding me back for so long, but I've kept you in my head for too long a time. It's not a good feeling when my first and last thought continues to be of you every single day, and when I know my thoughts are very well never going to be reciprocated. You've convinced yourself that I am bad for you, I've destroyed the real you and made you into someone who you didn't want to be; Likewise, I can say that the same is happening to me as well. To miss someone who doesn't even appreciate or like you in the very first place seems extremely stupid and irrational now, but I was able to accept it because I wanted to be irrational, I wanted to be as irrational as you in the hopes that you'd feel the same as I do. If you're so able to only look at the negative aspects of myself and focus on it, then I really highly doubt your true feelings towards me in the very first place. Have I really blinded myself because of us?

Anyway, what I know is that it's a goodbye between us for now, if it is good riddance to me for you, then it shall be good riddance to you for me as well. As much as I can't do it for the past 3-4 months, I will clear my mind off you. No one should ever have to feel useless and discarded like the way you're making me feel right now. Never ever.


The two songs below speak of 2 possible outcomes; but only one of them can be achieved with maturity. What a shame.

Aftermath.

Funny how many things can happen and change within the space of weeks, let alone months. It took just a few days for us to click well, a few weeks for us to discover something special, yet another few months for us to find all of them come to naught. In what we might or will consider to be a minute and forgettable short period relative to the rest of the lives ahead of us, have we truly managed to make a positive difference in each other's lives?

Wishes and dreams don't magically come true, hope wasn't something that I had within myself. You came and changed all that. As ridiculous as it sounded, I believed your myth, and it became something I looked forward to, something that was though unreal, yet special for the both of us. You've gotten this thing integrated into me, so well that I probably will never forget. In fact, you've done it so well that it's become the painful reminder of my investment, as I irrationally continue to grasp onto the belief that you've instilled into me, yet pulled yourself away from.

You label me as your mistake, a regret that shouldn't have happened if you were more careful. Perhaps you're right, I don't know you well enough to know what you wanted out of me, or maybe I was just being too smart for my own good. Whatever it is, nothing I say or do right now is going to make you change your mind about me anyway so I don't think this post has much purpose other than me trying to release my pent up emotions. 

What I will stand for, however, is that I have really done my best, although the outcome was totally contrary to my expectations. Like you, I've invested and committed myself as much as you have, if not more, and I've also had to be brave enough to knock down my own walls to let you in. To expose myself to vulnerability was a risk that I rationally would not allow myself to as I am pretty conservative, but yet at the same time it was also a risk I was really willing to take in order to fight for the things that made me happy. I'm pretty sure that you've had the same difficulties as I do, and maybe you'd even claim that you've had it harder due to the circumstances, and it is terribly unfortunate that we don't have the ability to work things out alone by ourselves. There was really huge potential that we could have been perfect, and I'm not sure whether you did too, but I had a really good feeling about it. It is with no doubt, that this whole thing is a pretty devastating blow to myself and I'm sure you've not had a better time either. 

For that, I truly apologise. I've messed up big time by hurting you and breaking your trust in me when your trust in me might not have been as much as I thought out to be. I probably overestimated myself and considered myself to be able to help you, when all I probably did was making you uncomfortable. Trust, once broken, is hard to regain, and that's probably the case for you towards me. I don't know when it happened, or what exactly led to it, but you've stopped trusting me and believing in me one day and I feel that's the essence to the breakdown between the both of us. My faults are plenty. However, likewise I can't say that you've been fair to me either, especially towards the last few weeks when we could still communicate with each other. You can say so otherwise, we can both agree to disagree on that.

Moving on from this... I don't really know how to, actually. It's so unfortunate that we somehow cannot see each other eye to eye in both literal and figurative ways, when we could have had so much together. Moving on requires an acknowledgement of the events of the past, and the willingness to throw all of it away. I've acknowledged the fact that it is no longer a possibility that compatibility can happen between us, but I don't think I have the capability to move forward anymore. On two occasions I've went in with the belief that I'll do good, on two occasions I've come out making both myself and the other party feel terrible. Perhaps I'm just not cut out to deal with people, what I thought I was good at, and I might just need to rethink my own purpose and contributions I can make to others. I've wanted to take psychology and get a job that can help out others in a more meaningful way, but it looks like I just don't have the ability for it. At the same time, I don't know how much I'm willing to let others in to help me, but on the other hand I doubt many will want to do so anyway. I entered DHS feeling like I've entered a big family, yet now I'm about to leave here feeling like I've gained nothing much but yet given so much of myself away. 

Hopefully, if I ever come across this post again from the future, I'd be able to say that I've outgrown my current self from this experience and be able to pick myself up to be able to make a huge difference in someone else's life. The future looks very bleak, however.

Unfair.

It's not fair that you have to treat others like this just to cover your scars, it really isn't.

Just what the hell have you done to me?

MoTH: Love, Hate, and Separation.

(FYI: MoTH stands for Matters of The Heart, pretty cool acronym in my opinion..?)

Many people express their regret or sorrow when it comes to the breakdown of a relationship between two people. It doesn't necessarily need to be between a couple, it happens to generally almost every kind of relationship and definitely happens to everyone as well. Remember your "best friend" that you've declared many years ago, or that "close friend" that you used to have heart to heart conversations in the past but no longer do so? Whoever it is, or whatever the reason why, the fact is that it's already past tense, and typically there's not much to be done about it. 

People change, shit happens, and people drift apart. That's perfectly normal. It's part and parcel of life, and change is constant. I don't know if the people reading this (yes, that means all of you) will still be keeping in touch with me in the future, because we all know that we will certainly move on to other things in our lives. We'll meet new people, we'll feel slightly more disconnected from the past, that is for sure. But what keeps some old relationships strong, while others crumble under the test of time? 

When two people lose interest in each other, it's pretty hard to pick up the pieces. Naturally, a loss of interest means that one isn't probably going to try as hard to mend the relationship as he/she used to, simply because it doesn't matter as much anymore. It's the cold hard truth: everyone is inherently selfish, and we pick our friends who are willing to stay by us and commit as much as we do (at the very least, if not more). There's just going to be a point where someone feels that it's not worth the time or effort to catch up, and the whole relationship just gets let go. Things become awkward, nothing pretty much further can be said besides briefly talking about how great the past used to be, and maybe some superficial changes that honestly, can be just found out through stalking the other person's social media. 

It gets a lot worse if something unexpectedly happens between two people with good relations to turn on its head. Sometimes, we might do things that may offend the other party greatly, and it sets the relationship into compromise. Whether unintentional or not, the other party is hurt for sure, and this is when both parties have to assess many things through their own judgement, for example: 

What have I done wrong? 

Should I forgive this other person? 

Is there a way to make up? 

Should I just leave this matter to rest and let the other party take his/her time to get over it? 

More often than not, we tend to make judgements on our own by trying to be smart: We think we have enough apathy or emotional capacity to know how the other party feels and deal appropriately, but most of the time both parties tend to overthink and it just leads to problems being either unresolved, complicated or things just become plain awkward after the resolution of the problem.

When I look back at certain events that happened, or misunderstandings that occur between other people, the question that I ask myself the most frequently is: 

Had things been done differently, had the two parties tried to communicate openly about the problem at hand, would things have not turned out so bad? 

This is a very essential timing for communication to step in and work wonders, but yet rarely do we see such an occurrence. The answer to the question above is pretty simple and often lamented about:

It's easy to be the bystander and give advice, but it becomes a near impossible task when you're the one involved. It's not that open communication hasn't been considered, but rather one can't find himself/herself to make the approach. 

One might think that communication is simply trying to get ideas and points to each other, but it's way more than just that. Effective communication comes with the risk of putting one's trust on the line, and many people just cannot afford or don't know how far they should go. Even the simplest act of saying "hello" can be difficult when it comes to approaching strangers, and it's through our communication that we tell how close we are to the other party. One has to put down his/her pride to be able to overlook many concerns, just to establish a proper connection with the other person, because there are just so many small things put on the line: The trust that people won't judge you when you reveal something a bit more personal about yourself, the potential "humiliation" that comes along from failure when you try to do something funny to amuse others, the awkwardness and the possible negative judgement from a stranger when you introduce yourself. Whatever it is, there's bound to be a risk of getting "hurt" (to give something without getting anything positive back in return), and it's up to one to decide whether it's worth getting "hurt", whether it's worth it to be vulnerable to all of these negative receptions that can possibly damage one's own self-esteem.

With that, perhaps it's for the better that two people who didn't manage to work out remain as such, and maybe it's not such a pity after all that separation happens: It takes a lot of effort and bravery to continuously place yourself in a situation where two people require tremendous amounts of effort to sustain the relationship between them, and most people end up in an increasingly common conclusion: too tired to try, too tired to "be bothered with this shit", "sick and tired" of having to deal with all of this.

Everyone has varying thresholds, but it doesn't change the fact that there is bound to be a limit to how much we want to give ourselves up for this particular relationship, and when the limit is crossed the need and want to commit any further is all lost: There's no point trying to continuously place yourself in a "struggle" where you don't think that anything positive will come out of it even if you tried your best. 

Perhaps, it's just easier to hate than to love.

Most people think that likability comes in a spectrum; it ranges from the most hated person in the world to the most loved person in the world. To me, love and hate is merely separated by a fine line. No one is safe; anyone can cross the borders of love and hate within a flash. When one is tired of loving and caring, the easiest way out is to detach and disconnect, to run away. Hating does this best: we no longer need to place our concern into the people we hate, we don't have to subject ourselves to mental torture or make "sacrifices" for them. Hate allows us to protect us from being vulnerable, it allows us to be aggressive without having internal conflicts within ourselves to be "rational" and "objective". With hate, all of our discontent can finally be released without a hinge of doubt, and it's the medium for us to experience freedom to flush out everything negative built up within ourselves when we're not hating. 

I haven't actually thought out very far about this, but I can understand where emotionally troubled people are coming from: Usually disliked or hated, it's not entirely because they want to be like that, nor is it because they don't know how to be likable, but it's because it's simply easier to not give a damn. Fewer chances to screw things up, less probability to get hurt by others. Trust is extremely hard to earn, but can be lost easily in a flash, and from there it is impossibly hard to rebuild to the same level before it was lost. People who have lost their trust simply can not afford another repeat or relapse of the breakdown of their trust, and hence they stay away.

Maybe, when two people who like each other turn into hating each other, it's not because they truly dislike each other, but because they know that it's not practical to allow the both of them to struggle. If liking or loving somebody results in both parties to be hurt as a result, then maybe escape will truly make both parties feel better. Hating or disliking each other achieves that: it offers the chance to move on, it stops us from lamenting the past and wondering about what could have been. It doesn't give the best closure, but it is the easiest way to obtain a closure without having to make any more compromise. Perhaps, that's the most positive thought to believe when two people aren't able to patch up and separate. 

Maybe, just maybe,

To dislike or to hate someone else, is the purest form of love.